I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
