and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
