I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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