I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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