How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
