Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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