Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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