Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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