carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
FUCK WHALES
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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