He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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