someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
