dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
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