it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize