so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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