Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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