dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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