Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
