my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
