I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
