Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize