I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Randomize