its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
