dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
