god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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