I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Michael Bay diarrhea
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
