Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
