dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
