wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
