So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
