...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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