i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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