also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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