ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
