I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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