dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
