When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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