remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm too high and old for this...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
