oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
