I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You took a bar mat shot.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
