So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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