I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
