I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
