If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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