Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
