thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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