watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
