I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize