first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
