What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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