I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
