yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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