if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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