Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
