Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
