I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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