I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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