god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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