I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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