I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
