I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
