he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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