hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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