I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
