I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
