He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
