My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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