I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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